Now in HD: digitally enhanced for greater accuracy!

Originally published GTG May 2009

Digoscope is the GTG’s Horrorscope section. Using the latest High Definition Digital Forecasting Technology, Digoscope differs from the astrology sections of lesser publications by providing explicit and precise predictions of what will happen to you!

Taurus
(Apr 21 – May 21)

Taureans are notoriously short and follically challenged. Today is no different. Get over it

Gemini
(May 22 – Jun 22)

Your wife has discovered the text messages from your mistress. You need to get home smartish while your Savile Row suits still have sleeves

Cancer
(Jun 23 – Jul 23)

At 3:17p.m. you will be hit and killed by a bucket-sized block of frozen blue effluent from a jumbo jet toilet. Bad luck

Leo
(Jul 24 -Aug 23)

Your husband knows you know about his mistress. If you get home now you’ll catch him trying to save his suits

Virgo
(Aug 24 – Sep 23)

Nobody can be bothered with Virgos, including us

Libra
(Sep 24 – Oct 23)

The good news is your lottery numbers came up at the weekend. The bad news is your partner put the ticket in the wash along with your jeans

Scorpio
(Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Your lover and his wife are on a collision course to their home. Now is a good time to change the locks on the flat he bought you

Sagittarius
(Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Today, as you jet off on a holiday of a lifetime, one of your actions will have a profound and unfortunate effect on someone you don’t know. It won’t ruin your holiday

Capricorn
(Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Capricorns are renown for their efficiency. Today your efficiency has cost you and your partner £7 million. It’s also the end of your relationship. Oh well, sh*t happens

Aquarius
(Jan 21 -Feb 19)

Today you will witness a freak accident involving blue ice. Don’t touch it

Pisces
(Feb 20 – Mar 20)

One of your work colleagues will suddenly be elated and start talking excitedly about Ferraris and villas in Tuscany. A short time later they will burst into tears at their desk. Best not to mention washing machines

Aries
(Mar 21 – Apr 20)

This afternoon you will find out you have won £14 million on the lottery. It should have been £7 million, but it’s your lucky day