Enviro-mental: the E-Mental Tips

You know it makes sense!

Sustainable Bird Shredder

E-Mental Tips – you know they make sense!

Are you concerned about your impact on the environment?

Do you want to help save the planet?

Well, the GTG shares your concerns. That’s why we publish these practical tips from the worlds of science and climate theology advising you on how you can help reverse Global Warming.

And we’re always looking for intelligent, practical ideas. So if you have any helpful tips you’d like to share with other readers we would welcome your contribution – remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!

E-Mental Tip 11: Hit you recycling targets: print all your emails
Does your employer have an office paper recycling bin? Perhaps departmental targets too? They certainly should: it’s the duty of every employer and every employee to save trees by maximizing recycling wherever possible
So here are a few tips on how to meet your targets:
Always print out your emails before reading them (and be sure to include the attachments!).
Whenever you update any documents you’re working on print a copy so that you can proof-read it.
Why not print additional copies for your colleagues? It’s so much more reliable than sending an email copy and hoping they’ll be responsible enough to print their own copies.
Then just pop the document in the recycling bin and before you know it the bin will be overflowing and you’ll know you’re doing your bit for the environment!
P.S. be sure to print only in black and white, not don’t want to waste colour toner..that would be silly!

E-Mental Tip 10: Return to Sender: bury Nuclear Waste in uranium mines
Originally published GTG April 2011

Possibly one of the the few practical ways to reduce our dependency on carbon fuels is to use nuclear power. Unfortunately nuclear power presents the tricky problem of how to dispose of its waste byproducts

There might be a simple answer. Uranium comes out of the ground. Not only that, it’s mined in hot dusty countries that are a long way from important places like Grey Town

So why don’t we just dump the nuclear waste down the mines where the original fuel came from?

We wouldn’t even have to squander money encasing the waste in glass and stainless steel: we could just throw it down the old mine shafts, seal the entrances with a bit of concrete and put up signs warning kids not to play there

Isn’t it obvious?

E-Mental Tip 9: switch to txt spk
Originally published GTG Dec 2010

To save resources Britain should adopt txt spk as the oficial written UK language instead of English. A gr8 deal of NRG S wastd transmitting storing n prntn uncsry letAs n pnktu8n symbols. huge savins cUd B achievd f evry1 swichd 2 UzN txt spk

Its nt jst dgtl docs, tnk of ll d bux, legal docs, contracts, mags, junk mail n oder publications dat cUd B reduced n sIz n cost 2 d env. Its a no brainer init

(On d oder h&, u cUd jst snd fewer useless n banal msgs! – Ed)

National Assets

E-mental Tip 8: Strategic Garbage Reserves
Originally published GTG March 2010

Household and Industrial Rubbish is an important National Resource, far too valuable to be frittered away in Chinese recycling plants or burnt in incinerators. The metals, chemicals and materials making up the rubbish will increase in value as the world’s resources become more and more rare.

It makes sense to bury these treasures in the ground for safe keeping until the day in the future when their price makes mining and extracting them a cost-effective option, bringing not only resources, but jobs and security to future generations.

Politicians Listen!
So,the GTG says to the next government: come on guys – its time: time to have a national network of Strategic Garbage Reserves where we can store these valuable resources for future generations.

Little people like you can help to!
This isn’t something we should just leave to politicians. We can all make a contribution. Think of the future. Think of your children – don’t recycle it, bury it!

E-mental Tip 7: attend a climate change conference
Originally published GTG Jan 2010

Why not charter a Jumbo Jet and fly off to a nice resort in Switzerland where you can spend a week with 50,000 equally concerned people, cruising between venues in your limo, eating and drinking the finest food and wine, and listening to the wise words of international statesmen, billionaires, has-been pop stars and assorted other sages on the the meaning of life, the future of the planet and role of the little people in its demise?

We’re sure you would return with a much clearer idea of what really needs to be done to save the planet.

E-mental Tip 6: stay in bed
Originally published GTG Dec 2009

Why not stay in bed? Human beings require less energy and emit less CO2 when they are in bed. Being awake and wandering around doing things is very wasteful and is not to be encouraged. So its much better that you stay in bed rather than attempt to go to work.

While in bed its ok to watch a modern energy efficient TV, but only if you use a remote control. Food can be eaten but it should be an energy-dense type such as chocolate. However its vitally important that you do so alone. Sharing a bed might result in unacceptable levels of energy expenditure.

Role Model

E-mental Tip 5: commit suicide
Originally published GTG Oct 2009

Why not commit suicide? We’re constantly being told by Eco-activists and clever people at the BBC that human beings are bad for the planet. We use up resources, we breath out CO2, emit methane and we inconvenience all the wonderful dumb little animals to whom the planet really belongs. The only decent thing to do is top ourselves before we do any more damage.

E-mental Tip 4: leave special burial instructions
Originally published GTG Aug 2009

When you kick the bucket, leave instructions that you are to be buried in a coal mine. That way the carbon stored in your (hopefully obese) body will remain trapped miles underground where it can’t do any harm. And if you’re lucky, after a few hundred million years you might turn into something useful like a lump of coal or even a diamond!

Think of it as Carbon Capture

E-mental Tip 3: get fat
Originally published GTG Aug 2009

Why not put on weight? Most humans are carbon-based life forms. That means every ounce of weight you put on takes carbon out of the environment! So keep eating, but remember not to exercise – heavy breathing will cause you to exhale too much CO2, undoing all your good work! – so stick to the virtuous circle: eat, get fat, sleep, eat, get fatter, sleep, eat more, get even fatter …and so on!

E-mental Tip 2: wear reflective clothing
Originally published GTG June 2009

On hot sunny days make sure you wear a white shirt and hat. That way you will reflect the sun’s harmful rays back into space, and help keep the planet cool.

E-mental Tip 1: stop breathing
Originally published GTG June 2009
Why not stop breathing for 5 to 10 minutes in every hour? Its the easy way to cut your CO2 emissions (safety note: best not to do this whilst driving!).

So there you are – there’s no excuse – go for it!

Do you have any helpful tips you’d like to share with other readers? We welcome your contribution – remember it will be easier to save the planet if we all work together!