The Cool Beer Diet

Quantum Qorner
Drunk on Science

A cool way to lose weight – The Cool Beer Diet!
(or…how to lose weight without losing the will to live)

Author: Round A.Bout (Science Editor)

There are many way to lose weight, but most methods are either hard work (exercise), insanely boring (lettuce), embarrassingly silly (Adkins) or a combination of all of these. Consequently most people just give up and get fat

But here at Quantum Qorner we are always open minded to bold new theories. Creative thinking. Fluid thought. Especially that. And so our researchers went to work and after many years of devoted research we are able to bring you the ultimate diet. A diet that is positively addictive: The Cool Beer Diet

Our brilliant scientists quickly realised that cold beer, simply by virtue of being cold, will suck energy – calories – out of your body as you drink! It’s elementary physics

The Science

Calorie = energy required to heat one ml of water by one degree Celsius
(note, when talking about dietary requirements ‘Calorie’ usually means kilo calorie (kcal), ie. 1,000 Calories)
Human body temperature = 37 Celsius
Temperature of cold beer = 5 Celsius
Volume of typical Trappist beer = 333ml

Thus: energy required to heat glass of beer to body temperature in the stomach = 32 x 333 = 10,656 Calories, or 10.6 kcal

It’s about balance
The problem is that ten and a half calories aren’t really very many. You would have to drink an awful lot of beer to see any noticeable weight loss. That’s why it’s important to see beer drinking as just a part of an overall balanced programme to successful weight loss. But we’ve done the work for you! After extensive field trials across Europe and the USA we’re pleased to be able to bring you the optimum plan for losing weight without losing the will to live: The Cool Beer Diet

The Programme

To start enjoyable weight loss today, just just follow our simple list of DOs and DON’Ts below:

DOs

Keep the beer in your body for as long as possible
This is to ensure it is fully warmed up before being jettisoned

Drink strong tasty beers
Alcohol causes the veins under the skin to dilate. This causes the body to lose heat faster than it normally would, ridding you of even more of those calories. So, the stronger the beer the more weight lost! Tasty beers are recommended – why would you want to drink any other sort? – and for best results we recommend a Trappist Tripel at 5 degrees Celsius

Attain a state of ‘Excited Delirium’
In this state alcohol causes the brain to overheat with pointless activity, consuming even more energy

Move about more
Moving about burns calories. A pub crawl is an excellent way of doing this

Talk bollocks
Talking rubbish converts calories directly into hot-air which is then vented harmlessly out of the mouth

Wear shorts and a loose T shirt
Doing so will ensure your body is kept ventilated, maximising skin heat loss. If the ambient air temperature is cool then wearing light loose clothes will also encourage the drinker to keep fidgeting and moving about to stay warm, burning even more calories. It’s also more comfortable and leaves room for the beer and morning-after comfort food

Lift weights
Occasionally intersperse your beers with a very heavy cocktail such as the Floris Garden Mojito
This is the drinking equivalent of pumping iron, excellent for burning energy. Heavy lifting also improves muscle tone and stamina

Take your turn to buy in a round
Walking to the bar with empty glasses and returning with full ones burns significant amounts of energy (especially if you keep forgetting what people want and have to keep walking back to check). It’s surprising, but some drinkers don’t take full advantage of this beneficial activity

DON’Ts

Avoid fruit juices
These are full of really nasty stuff – acid and sugar. In calorie terms they are practically thermonuclear. Best avoided unless in moderate quantities in cocktails, where their negative affect can be moderated by the addition of ice

Never drink Coke or other soft drinks (sodas) (why would you? Ed)
These are totally pointless drinks, wrong on so many levels, and should be avoided

Things you shouldn’t do, but will do

Eat fries with mayo
Naughty but essential. On a positive note the mayo does lubricate the fries, helping them flow through your body with the minimum of nutrient absorption

Eat a late night curry
Naughty but mandatory. On a positive note the spices do lubricate the curry, helping it (and just about everything else) flow through your body with the minimum of nutrient absorption

Beneficial side-effect
(or, the 2 o’clock green)

Projectile vomiting is a highly effective way of losing weight, and has been proven ‘in the field’ by countless actors and actresses, wannabe models and even the occasional princess.
But note it does have damaging side-effects:
1. You look and feel like an idiot
2. Practice it too often and you are likely to end up needing dentures

Finally, The Proof
How do we know this all works? Simple! Many years of empirical blind* testing by the GTG team at bars and festivals across the World have shown that on the morning-after-the-night-before (whether or not we’ve had any sleep) 99.6% of times we always want to consume a hearty meal of comfort food (a Pita Greek, a Pokemon Spag Bol, a Full English breakfast, Bangers and Mash, or a dodgy Chinese from the ally..with or without the resident performing mouse)

This is proof that our bodies need replacement energy. Proof that the drinking of beer facilitates the burning of calories faster than any other activity!

QED

* as in drunk