Taliban Warlord Awarded £20 million Damages

Human Rights

Taliban Warlord Awarded £20 million Damages

British Army action deprived family Of Drugs Revenue

Article originally published in GTG June 2009


Strasbourg, Wed June 10th:
The European Court of Human Rights has ordered the British Government to pay £20 million compensation to an Afghan Warlord who’s opium crop was destroyed by British forces.

By a majority verdict the court decreed that it was unlawful for the Allies to endanger the Warlord’s primary source of income because it will limit his ability to purchase weapons and ammunition, giving the Allies an unfair competitive advantage in the ongoing war.

Even more seriously the army failed to follow the correct EU documentary procedures before launching a the attack. Under the rules, which apply to all forces from EU member nations, commanders must conduct a Risk Assessment and give 30 days written notice to the enemy in three languages (English, Babylonian, and Welsh). Health and Safety rules also require all combatants to wear hi-visibility clothing throughout any action and safety harnesses if fighting more than one metre off the ground.


Unable to fight on, the warlord had no choice but to flee the region and seek asylum in the UK. He is currently living in a taxpayer-funded 20 bedroom mansion on Wimbledon common along with his 6 wives, 18 children, half a dozen security staff and his special friend Cedric the camel. His lawyer has issued a statement saying no amount of money can compensate his client for the loss to his quality of life having been forced to leave his childhood home, a particularly nice south-facing cave in the foothills of Helmand Province.


The European Court of Human Rights has recently unilaterally extended its powers and jurisdiction to allow it to prosecute any case on any issue in any country (excluding France, Italy and scary places like Russia and Iran who will be left alone to do their own thing).

Footnote: Three British soldiers were killed in the assault. Their families will receive £200 compensation (minus tax) from the MOD