The Cool Beer Diet

A seasonal feature by:
GTG Quantum Qorner – Drunk on Science

Ideal for Christmas! – The Cool Beer Diet!
(or how to lose weight without losing the will to live)

Author: Round A.Bout (Science Editor)

Three Wise Beers

Grey Town, December 2013
Christmas is upon us and we all want to have a good time. But many people worry about the unwelcome side effect of scoffing all that great food, i.e. unwanted weight gain. Well we thought it would be a great time to reassure our readers with a reminder about our unique and enjoyable weight loss program, a program that you will positively enjoy! Check out our guide below, and have a very Merry Christmas!

We’ve all been there
There are many way to lose weight, but most methods are either hard work (involve exercise), insanely boring (involve lettuce), embarrassingly silly (involve Adkins) or a combination of all of these. Consequently most people just give up and get fat

But here at Quantum Qorner we are always open minded to bold new theories. Creative thinking. Fluid thought. Yes, especially that. So our researchers went to work and after many years of devoted research we’re able to bring you the ultimate diet. A diet that is positively addictive: The Cool Beer Diet

Focusing on what matters our brilliant scientists quickly realised that cold beer, simply by virtue of being cold, will suck energy, i.e. calories, out of your body as fast as you drink! It’s elementary physics (2nd Law of Thermodynamics, if you want to know)

The Science

Calorie = energy required to heat one ml of water by one degree Celsius
(note, when talking about dietary requirements ‘Calorie’ often erroneously used to refer to kilo calorie (kcal), ie. 1,000 Calories)
Human body temperature = 37 Celsius
Temperature of cold beer = 5 Celsius
Volume of typical Trappist beer = 333ml

Thus the energy required to heat glass of beer to body temperature in the stomach = 32 x 333 = 10,656 Calories, or 10.6 kcal

It’s about balance
The problem is that ten and a half kilo calories aren’t really very many. You would have to drink an awful lot of beer to see any noticeable weight loss. That’s why it’s important to see beer drinking as just a part of a balanced programme to successful weight loss. But don’t worry, we’ve done the groundwork for you! We’ve done the necessary research and after grueling field trials across Europe and the USA we’re pleased to be able to bring you the optimum plan for losing weight without losing the will to live: The Cool Beer Diet

The Programme

To start enjoyable weight loss today, just follow our simple list of DOs and DON’Ts below:

Pumping Iron

DOs

Do keep the beer in your body for as long as possible
This is to ensure it is fully warmed up before being jettisoned

Do drink strong tasty beers
Alcohol causes the veins under the skin to dilate. This causes the body to lose heat faster than it normally would, ridding you of even more of those calories. So, the stronger the beer the more weight lost! Tasty beers are recommended – why would you want to drink any other sort? – and for best results we recommend a Trappist Tripel at 5 degrees Celsius

Do try to attain a state of ‘Excited Delirium’
In this state alcohol causes the brain to overheat with pointless activity, consuming even more energy

Do move about more
Moving about burns calories. A pub crawl is an excellent way of doing this

Do talk bollocks
Talking rubbish converts calories directly into hot-air which is then vented harmlessly out of the mouth

Do wear comfortable loose clothing
Doing so will ensure your body is kept ventilated, maximizing skin heat loss. If the ambient air temperature is cool then wearing light loose clothes will also encourage the drinker to keep fidgeting and moving about to stay warm, burning even more calories. It’s also more comfortable and leaves room for the beer and post-session comfort food

Do lift weights
Occasionally intersperse your beers with a very heavy cocktail such as the Floris Garden Mojito
This is the drinking equivalent of pumping iron, excellent for burning energy. Heavy lifting also improves muscle tone and stamina

Do take your turn to buy in a round
Walking to the bar with empty glasses and returning with full ones burns significant amounts of energy (especially if you keep forgetting what people want and have to keep walking back and forth to check). It’s surprising, but some drinkers don’t take full advantage of this beneficial activity

Do drink plenty of water
Beer is roughly 95% water, so it’s a good place to start

DON’Ts

Don’t touch fruit juices
These are full of really nasty stuff – acid and sugar. In calorie terms they are practically thermonuclear. Best avoided apart from moderate quantities in cocktails, where their negative affect can be moderated by the addition of ice

Don’t ever drink Coke or other soft drinks or sodas (why would you? – Ed)
These are totally pointless drinks, wrong on so many levels, and should be avoided at all cost (except of course, as for juices, in moderation in cocktails where they are a necessary evil)

Things you shouldn’t do, but will do

Eat fries with mayo
Naughty but essential. On a positive note the mayo does lubricate the fries, helping them flow through your body with the minimum of nutrient absorption

Eat a late night curry and/or kebab
Naughty but mandatory. On a positive note the spices do lubricate the curry, helping it (and just about everything else) flow through your body with the minimum of nutrient absorption (note: there’s a common theme here)

Beneficial side-effect
(the ‘2 o’clock green’)

Projectile vomiting is a highly effective way of losing weight, and has been proven ‘in the field’ by countless actresses, wannabe models and even the occasional princess
But note it does have damaging side-effects:
1. You look and feel like a plonker
2. Practice it too often and you are likely to end up needing new friends (and dentures)

Finally: The Proof
How do we know this all works? Simple! Many years of empirical testing by the GTG team and friends at TheBeerTrip.com in bars and at festivals across the globe have shown that on the morning-after-the-night-before (whether or not we’ve had any sleep) 99.6% of times we always want to consume a hearty meal of comfort food (a curry, Pita Greek, Pokemon Spag Bol, Full English breakfast, Bangers and Mash or whatever)

This need to eat after drinking is proof positive that our bodies need replacement energy. Proof that the drinking of beer facilitates the burning of calories faster than any other activity! QED!

Quantum Qorner
Drunk on Science