Pimp my Problem

Pimp my Problem

The GTG and Hob help you make the most of your problems

Originally published GTG June-July 2010

We've seen it all before

An Occasional Feature from Hob and his team, the GTG’s men in the Underworld

Because of their jobs, Hob and the guys get to meet a lot of people with interesting problems. We’re pleased to be able to bring their expertise to the aid of you, our readers.

In love with daughter’s pony

Dear Hob, I don’t know what to do. Last Christmas I bought my daughter a pet pony, Stanley, but as the months have passed by I’ve found myself irresistibly drawn to him and now I’m completely in love. And every time I look into his big brown eyes my heart melts. I want us to run away together, but where? Right Hon. AHB, Lincolnshire.

Mamon Says: well, I wouldn’t suggest London or New York. You could try Milton Keynes. If you want somewhere more exotic, try South Carolina. You haven’t mentioned what Stanley thinks of this?

Do my genes make my bum look big?

Dear Hob, its not fair! I never eat anything but I keep putting on weight. Maybe I’m big boned? SF, New Addington, Surrey

Bacchus Says: get real lardy – there were no fatties in Belsen. If you don’t put it in your gob, it won’t end up on your arse.

Frightened I might be Institutionalized

Dear Hob, I’m really worried I’m becoming an institutionalized cabbage. My company is based in a serviced office building which plays repetitive, banal music (Magic FM) in its communal areas. This morning whilst sitting on the loo I found myself singing along in my head to The Carpenters! Help! What can I do? Yours, Distraught of Whyteleafe.

Hob Says: get out of there while you still can!

Owner keeps harassing me

Last Christmas I moved in with a seemingly nice family. At first it was fun : I especially enjoyed all the carrots. But more recently I noticed my owner keeps staring into my eyes and trying to ride me in a really strange way. What’s going on? Stanley, Lincs

Hob Says: Stanley, the next time he attempts that strange riding you mentioned why not try planting one of your back hoofs on his forehead. It should work wonders, though there is a small chance you could end up in a tin of cat food. An alternative would be to run away where he can’t find you…Russia perhaps?

Swedish Gymnasts Keep Demanding Sex

Dear Hob, I’m a happily married 47 year old book keeper with a lovely wife, two gorgeous children and a nice home in High Wycombe. Recently at a local meeting of the Chamber of Commerce I met a pair of twin-sister six foot blond Olympic gymnasts on a cultural exchange mission from Stockholm. They keep pestering me for group sex. What shall I do?

Pyro Says: yeah right, and my name’s John F. Kennedy! I think you should spend less time on Internet chat rooms.

People keep ignoring me

Recently I’ve noticed people completely ignore me. Not just when I’m in the street but in the office too. Even if I ask a direct question. Its really undermining my self-esteem and

(the rest of this letter has been deleted due to space constraints – Verin)

What about you?

Do you have an embarrassing problem? If so, we are here to help. Simply email your problem along with name, address, phone number, and a passport sized photo of yourself. We’ll circulate your details around the team, have a good laugh, and publish our responses to the really good ones.

But don’t worry if your problem isn’t published in the next issue. Our back-office team works diligently through all readers’ emails and posts recommendations in full on the web. All you have to do is Google your name and everything about you and your problem will be readily accessible (including embellished photographs). All part of the service!

Hob's Gob
Voice of the Underworld

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