Good Allan, Bad Allan – The Enemy Within

Quantum Qorner
Drunk on Science

Good Allan, Bad Allan – The Enemy Within

Absinthe Teleportation Experiment creates bizarre result

Calculation error results in Double Trouble

Special Report by Science Editor Round A.Bout

Article originally published GTG Nov 2010

Floris Garden, Brussels, Sat Sept 4th:
It’s a story that’s sure to become as familiar to future generations of science students as that of Schrödinger’s cat.

History has shown that many of the great boundary-pushing experiments in science have been conducted by gifted amateur scientists – Darwin, Franklin, et al – and this is no exception.

An adventurous experiment in Alcohol Induced Teleportation(AIT) resulted in a bizarre outcome this weekend. Renowned bon vivant and part time quantum scientist Allan Carter bravely used himself as a human guinea pig in his quest to push the boundaries of man’s understanding of alcohol-quantum phenomena by being the first person to try to attempt a controlled absinthe-induced point-to-point teleport.

It’s thought that when preparing his Absinthe Allan might have added too much sugar to the fuel-alcohol mix, boosting his drink’s energy level and tipping his quantum state over the Drink Horizon. When he re-materialized he was no longer a singularity …but a duality!

Apart from a little additional facial hair, probably caused by a temporal anomaly, the new Allan (‘Allan B’) is identical to the original (‘Allan A’). Well nearly…

Observers started to realize that all was not right, that the two Allans are not quite the same. They have subtly different personalities.

The ‘Monster from the id’
During the teleportation process it’s believed that Sub Space turbulence caused a destabilization of his Quantum Slipstream and Allan’s good side was split from his evil side. The result is a personality-duality with two halves of his id, or inner self, occupying separate but identical bodies.

But although superficially separate they cannot in fact act independently because they are bound sub-atomically as an Entangled-Pair. In this state the laws of physics mean that they are subject to Einstein’s Spooky inaction at a distance, forever caught in a symbiotic causal-loop, with every action by one resulting in an equal but opposite inaction by the other: One Allan relentlessly proffering new and more exotic drinks, the other Allan downing them without hesitation and demanding more

Quantum Qonundrum
But, as is often the case with quantum science, some questions simply cannot be answered. For sure, we now have two Allans: ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’. But the Quantum Qonundrum is: which one is which?

Background: the Science of AIT
The science of Alcohol Induced Teleportation is well established, supported by a mountain of empirical evidence. It’s something all of us who live in the real world have experienced at least once: one moment you are happily downing a drink with your mates in friendly bar, then the next moment you open your eyes and find yourself lying fully dressed on your bed with the lights on. Or it might be another bar, perhaps one you’ve never been in before. Or the back of a taxi. Or worse

In fact. controlled experiments at several monasteries across Belgium have revealed that AIT will randomly follow any one of 4 different patterns:

AIT Type-1. Bar-to-Bar
AIT Type-2. Bar-to-Car
AIT Type-3. Bar-to-Bed
AIT Type-4. Bar-to-Barfroom

This non-determinism is unavoidable. Quantum Uncertainty ensures that it is impossible to predict the type of transfer in advance*. This severely limits the usefulness of the procedure as a day-to-day transportation method, but this has not prevented a growing band of adherents practicing it as a leisure pursuit

The process is of course closely tied to the previously discussed Drink Induced Time Dilation Effect, with the speed and distance of teleportation (STD) being proportional to the square of the Alcoholic Index (AI) of the drinks being consumed.

ie. STD = Square(AI)

Absinthe Alcohol Induced Teleportation, or Double-AIT (‘Double-Eight’) as it is known in quantum circles, is a special variant of AIT and is infamous in the physics community for its unpredictable results. So much so that for several decades the procedure was banned in many countries before being rehabilitated in the light of new discoveries in modern theoretical physics (and better medicare services)

The Memory Paradox
One serious question remains however. Researchers are yet to work out why AIT doesn’t teleport memories and cash – they’re always left behind at the bar

R.A.B.

*update: rumors are starting to circulate that it might indeed be possible to facilitate controlled teleportation. Unconfirmed research suggests that consuming tequila shots along with spicy tomato chasers allows the ‘Drink Pilot‘ to mitigate the alcohol flow and control the jump over the Drink Horizon into sub space. The GTG staff will be putting this to peer review in the very near future.

Editorial note: the GTG would like to apologize to it’s readers for the excessive use of italics in this article

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